
AA… NA… GA… Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous
I think I’m going to start a new support group— CA...Comparers Anonymous. Ah, now the title is beginning to make sense. Social science has proven that support provided through a community of people with shared experiences can help group members to overcome unwanted behavior. You may know someone that has benefited from one or more of these groups. You may have benefited from one of them yourself.
I’ve been fortunate to avoid those specific struggles, but I’ve faced a different, less obvious cycle—comparing myself to others. But it has impacted my mental health substantially and often diminished my happiness for no good reason. I think a Comparer’s Anonymous support group might help people like me. I’ve had an inferiority complex for the majority of my life. Only in the past couple of years have I been able to recognize the tendency and try to address it in real time. But even in this enlightened state, old patterns still surface.
How about you? Do you ever scroll through the highlight reels of your social media connections and find yourself feeling envious? Bob and Mary just got back from their trip to Mars with Elon Musk, and you just got back from Dollar General with milk and toilet paper. Bill and Jane’s kid just got early acceptance to Harvard, while you’re just trying to get your kid to put gas in the car with their own money. I’m not saying we’re all prone to comparing, but I believe many of us do it without realizing it and are less happy because of it.
When I was younger, I was a delivery driver for a florist. During holiday seasons I would drive through the more affluent neighborhoods with their well decorated homes and deliver beautiful flowers to well-dressed people. And I was jealous. And hopeful. And somber. And wishful. And so on. For some reason I thought that their station in life equated to a better life than my own.
Fast forward thirty years and I still find myself playing this self-destructive game of comparing my stuff, my accomplishments, heck, even my kids to outside things that have no right to occupy that space. It’s a hard habit to admit, but I suspect I’m not alone.
Maybe you find yourself slipping into similar behavior, possibly to a lesser degree, but it’s still having an impact on your view of yourself in some negative way. Unfortunately, I don’t have a simple solution, but there are some things that might help if you find yourself wandering into the land of comparison.
For instance, if you do engage social media, try limiting your exposure. Why? Let me draw a comparison (see what I did there-ha!). Have you seen a real estate listing that made a property look really desirable? You decide to go view the house and when you get there you realize it’s adjacent to a toxic waste dump, wastewater treatment plant, or something similar. Neither the pictures nor the text gave any indication that this less favorable circumstance existed, but it did. Regardless of how attractive or ideal someone else’s life appears; they face challenges too. The grass isn't always greener...
Another thing you can do is create some type of gratitude tool: a list, a journal, a daily routine of being thankful. This isn’t anything new; people have been using this type of tool for ages. Fortunately, with the advent of applied positive psychology, we have studies that prove the power of positive emotions like gratitude. Engaging positive emotion changes the way we approach challenges and increases resilience. Joy, hope, inspiration, serenity, optimism- these are some the common positive emotions we try to help clients foster.
Finally, remind yourself that of the nearly 8 billion people on planet Earth, there’s no one exactly like you. Henry David Thoreau said, “Every man (and woman) I meet is my superior in some way, in that, learn from them.” You bring something to the table in a way that no one else can. Your life experience is unique, and your point of view can’t be replicated. There are certain people that only you can reach. The world needs what you have to offer, not because you’re better than someone else, but because there is not another soul that can do it the way you do.
Businesses sometimes refer to the thing that makes them different from all the other similar businesses as their unique value proposition. For people, our unique value proposition is our life. The sum total of your life experiences, good and bad, are your resume to the world. Your character, personality, and heritage make you a one-of-a-kind creation.
Maybe we don’t need a Comparers Anonymous support group after all. Maybe we can accept ourselves as we are with the hope of becoming our best possible self. Maybe we can look at others in the same way, offering encouragement without fear of snuffing our own candle by lighting someone else’s. Maybe we can live our lives with gratitude for what we do have without focusing on what we feel we’re missing out on.
Maybe?
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